Marriage Revenge

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson, "But I want you to."

Wife, "But why?"

Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

The Sunday edition

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

Water In Carburetor

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

Two Brazilians

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

No More Kids

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."

The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Dentist

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave man said the dentist. Now show me which tooth it is.

- The husband turns to his wife and says Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is dear.

The Painter

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office especially that large eye on the wall?

To this the eye doctor responded I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'